Troubleman: We're gonna have to heal the crap out of Druil Arasil: Operation meat shield Arasil: Remember to hide behind the shield...but the keep the shield up... else you become the shield... for more information, stay tuned! Ishtarra: Dammit! I hate commercials! Troubleman: eh? Troubleman: now I'm lost IshtarraL yeah that was my brain making weird leaps. Ishtarra: ignore me Arasil: I got it Ish Troubleman: but you're a tree Troubleman: so weird by definition Ishtarra: oh thanks Arasil: I'll come back as paper and cut you!
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Teaka: Dreadangus, by clicking "accept", you, the resurrected, hereby consign your soul to the resurrecter, i.e. me. Ishtarra: don't do it Dready! Dreadangus: I should point out that my soul is currently in escrow Dreadangus: long story short, EBay is a beast.
I have tried, for most of the day, to compose something. Anything.
No luck. Well, it's not luck is it? It's the fact that I'm swimming in this black morass in my head. Well, not exactly swimming, since this black goo is hardly liquid enough for that.. its more viscous. Was that a skeleton? Cripes, seems I'm not the only one who's been here.
Work is... well, work. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by some of it at the moment, but I think that once I get the basic things into a routine I can deal with the monkey wrenches better. It just seems these days that everything is breaking. Phone lines, air conditioning, you name it. And then the difficult customers and I am the only one able to do the work. And then I come home and there's still more to do.
J got angry with me last night because I didn't dry the last few things when I did the dishes. Nor did I finish washing the little sticker things for corn on the cob because they are made of that horrible plastic stuff that just holds grease like nothing and I wanted them to soak. He told me he 'felt like a maid' because he had to finish what I started all the time. Normally this would spark an argument. I'd get angry and tell him just how stupid I thought that was or something but I couldn't even summon the energy to retort. In fact I had to try not to laugh. In the face of all the things he says he'll do, and then doesn't it just seemed so bloody ridiculous.
I did ask him how his day was, even though I had told myself I wouldn't because I knew what the answer would be: inevitably something along the lines of "Crappy", "Shitty", or "people are idiots". I'd asked him a few months ago if he could at least try to tell me one positive thing about his day and he was good for about two weeks. I don't understand why the hell it's so fucking hard for him. I can look out this window and see a bird and think how beautiful the bird is - even know while I feel like I'm submerged in sticky blue-black goo. I can even get a thrill out of the word "goo". So when I feel that positive energy my immediate instinct is to share it with him. What happens? Nothing. Maybe a smile, but often the response is forced. Perhaps he does have a lot on his plate, but he's not the only one and I'll be damned if I'm the only one who's going to make any effort here.
I suppose this is part of why I feel like I'm at the end of the rope. I'm the one reading the books and wondering and soul-searching and he's... well. He is. I ask him to talk to me and he tells me things, but it takes forever to drag how he really feels about a situation out into the open. I'm the same way. I know how annoying it is and I've been trying damn hard to be more articulate and forthcoming. It feels like I'm building a bridge halfway through a ravine and the person who's supposed to be building the other half has got completely paralysed by how deep the ravine really is. I know not to offer advice, because it merely infuriates him, and that, for me, is hard because I am a fixer. I can see solutions and my immediate impulse is to help, but sometimes that's not what is wanted. I think this is part of the reason I feel like we talk at cross-purposes. We both think we know what the other wants to hear when we don't. Logically, the next step is to try and listen better, right? Ask questions, and find some semblance of an answer.
I know what I want out of this life. I have goals. I have wants. Some of them are completely selfish and could stand to be amended, but others are essential to my very essence. I have been asking myself how my current circumstances affect those essential things and whether or not I can sacrifice one for the other, or if there are any kind of compromises available.
listening to: Enigma - Silence Must be Heard reading: Blackbird n Silver - Freda Warrington word of the day: helotry drinking: iced tea feeling: the ozone on my skin
My day felt very, very long. My feet hurt too, dammit. *snaps fingers* Where is my pool boy to rub my feet and make me martinis? This isn't what I ordered!
anyway, since I haven't the brain to organize an actual post about anything I'll jot down the random thoughts I had today - at least the ones I remember...
People are the sum of their experiences and how their personality reacts to those experiences. It is a matter of choice how each person decides to treat others around them in spite of, or because of, those experiences.
In the end people are just people. In the end no one is any better, or any worse than you are.
I do not believe in boredom. Nor do I believe in "I can't". "I can't" implies a certain amount of "I won't" or simply fear of either the unknown or failure. (I may be forced to amend this, but hey... i did say these were random.) I mean if a guy with no arms can learn to play the guitar then nothing is impossible.
can hear the fireworks even from here. my ears are ringing.
walked through the park earlier and saw a swallow that had something caught around one of it's feet. it worried me, but there was nothing I could do short of trying to catch him... futile, but still. I smelled all the flowers on the way back because I wanted to find joy in something and managed to fail miserably. Ok that's a bit of a lie, because the flowers and the birds are so fucking innocent one can't help feeling a little joy out of it, especially that robin who'd found a nicely turned plot to listen for worms in, but then I'd turn back to j and something else negative would fall out of his mouth: about the economy or the state of something. apparently everyone's an idiot and everything is going to shit. so many wired and wide-eyed kids downtown, drunk teenagers and people high on life. I sat on the curb while j went to go pee and felt so alone even as swarms of people moved around me. A girl with a glass globe rolling over her hands and arms, people selling glo-sticks, people wearing flags and weird red and white getups, a girl who had painted herself red from head to toe...
came home before the fireworks because we were cold.
Come away with me in the night Come away with me And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus Come away where they can't tempt us With their lies
I want to walk with you On a cloudy day In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high So won't you try to come
Come away with me and we'll kiss On a mountaintop Come away with me And I'll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain Falling on a tin roof While I'm safe there in your arms So all I ask is for you To come away with me in the night Come away with me
I had lunch with the lovely Lindsie today. We did not go to the park to watch cricket, wear hats and talk in accents as was originally suggested, though we might have to do that at some point just because. instead, we went to the Bard and Banker to see how it was since they'd just finished putting the place together. it looks amazing.
We both had fish and chips and a martini that went by the name of 'Fine and Dandy' that Lindsie said tasted like a Hudson Bay company blanket - warm and cozy kind of fuzzy. I agreed. It was Spiced rum, malibu and pineapple juice. Oh gods was it yummy. Might just have to try that one again!
Lindsie had leftovers, but she wouldn't let me take said leftovers as vulture bait. I think it would be awesome to have a pet vulture. I'd call it "Squeaky" or "Lulu" and it would sit on my shoulder. And I would threaten my peons with it.
"You better get that done, or I'll let Squeaky have your eyes!"
We're so normal.
listening to: Achillea - Amor Pt. 1 eating: too hot to eat drinking: ice tea weather: hot... up to 30 today reading: Freakangels word count: nada word of the day: filial feeling: angsty headspace: sauna much?
Here I've been complaining about how cold it's been and the world says 'OK!' and wham! Hello 29 degrees and hello sunburn. Eouch, I'm pink!
I really had no desire to talk to anyone today, but regardless I did speak to Penishead (yes, that is still his nickname, in spite of the fact that he's been captured by a good woman) for a good hour or so. He's getting married in November and since his fiancee is Greek... well it sounds like it's an all out traditional bash. I just hope I can have things organized enough here to allow my to go to Calgary for it. Because yeah, even though he is a Penishead, he's always been there for me and I wouldn't miss such an important occasion for the world.
In spite of my desire to mince communication I was glad I got to talk to him, because I'd seen the pictured on facebook of R and T's wedding and I wanted to ask how it went. And yes, I was a little sad I'd not even known they were having an actual wedding beyond their private ceremony a couple of years ago. It just demonstrated to me how out of the loop I am these days.
My own fault. Too caught up in my own piles of crap. Working on that though...
However, I've had (most of) this day to myself, which is something I needed. I think I need more than just 8 hours, but as it seems that's all I'm going to get for a while I made the most of it. On the outside it may look like I'm doing nothing, but that is far from the truth. You see, my brain has returned. At least partially. We're still not on the best of terms, but it's not telling me I'm useless for the time being. So.
I have been thinking about the senses, and sensuality. For years I've read descriptions of the Taurean nature and skipped over the word as a given, but I was thinking about how much pleasure I get out of the little things. For example, the flavour of fresh strawberries fresh off the vine is enough to send me into raptures of the taste buds. Most people agree there's nothing quite like it, but I could probably sit for ten minutes just tasting the damn berry. I swear a drink tastes different if you pour it over the ice rather than plop the ice in afterwards. White rice needs nothing but some butter and salt. I could listen to the same track repeatedly and get something new out of it every time. A single line of poetry, or a well-placed word can give me shivers. Floating in fresh water is entirely different than floating in salt.
I think this is part of the reason I do not do so well in high-speed environments. (And perhaps also why it takes me a longer time than others to adapt to change.) I like to take everything in, to notice, to savour everything. I'm not a sensation seeker in the normal sense - meaning I don't go out of my way to find new sensations simply for the sake of the experience, but I think it's an apt description for the simple fact that I get so much out of them - at least if I can stop and take it in.
Kind of a random topic, I know, but I was thinking how much I enjoyed the breeze on my skin and in my hair in this heat - so much so that I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and closed my eyes to take the whole sensation in. Weird? Probably. Do I care. Hells no.
Anyway. Poetry.
*headrush*
listening to: Balligomingo - Lust drinking: iced tea word count: 413 word of the day: kinaesthetic reading: H.P Lovecraft feeling: melted headspace: sirenum fossae
